Surfboard for Sale – Once Ridden by a Man with 99.9% Kelly Slater DNA.

wpid-20150212_190205.jpgAlright… here’s a quick recap on what’s going on here: I am selling, auctioning, giving away, throwing out, burning or illegally dumping, everything I own. Either that or I’m shrouding it in concrete, and letting it swim wit da fishes.

That’s the goal anyway; there may be a few things I have to keep… underwear comes to mind (though I hear free-balling is very popular these days) and maybe this laptop… anyway whatever, the point is, I have loads of shit, and I don’t want it. I don’t want it and I know I don’t need it, because I’ve spent the last six months living blissfully happily out of a suitcase in Indonesia, and I’ve not wanted for a single thing – nothing, nada. So, thanks to Jet Star and their tight-assed baggage allowances, I know that 24.8kg of stuff is all I need to live happily ever after.

Contrast this with what I actually own. I have a car. I have a motorbike. I have a goddamn surfboard! I have tools, and refrigerators, and wheelbarrows and paintings. I have computers, cameras, photographic enlargers, filing cabinets. I have books out the ass. I have a 6 cubic meter storage unit piled right to the ceiling with stuff. Stuff I can’t even remember – old stuff.

storage unitI’ve had this crap stored mill stone like since 1999, when my father passed away. Rudely, the man refused to take all his stuff with him; claimed he didn’t need it where he was going. The cost of this storage unit (or another exactly like it), on average: $100 a month. 15 years at $100 a month is 18 THOUSAND $$. If I add up the monetary value of everything in said unit, assuming I get the very best price imaginable for absolutely everything, I’d be very surprised if it totaled more than $10,000.

So, financially speaking, if I had put a match to the whole lot 15 years ago, I’d be 8 grand ahead today. Of course, this was utterly impossible at the time, and remains so. The stuff in general, has a very high sentimental value. I know very well there will be items I can’t get rid of even today. But I believe that getting rid of most of it will be a very positive experience. Certainly this is the opinion of those who have embraced the movement known as New Minimalism.

Enough back story. Now it’s time for gettin’ rid of shit! Item No. 1 in the Great Shit Ditching Experiment is this ridiculous surfboard:

wpid-20150211_155024.jpgActually, it’s not the surfboard that’s ridiculous, it’s me who’s ridiculous for buying the ridiculous thing in the first place. This was my thinking: I used to surf, and I was very good. Everyone who saw me surf told me just how very good at it I was. And so, given that I was previously able to surf, and rather well, I figured once I got back on the board and started up again… you know, once I got my surfing legs back, I’d need a pretty high performance board to keep pace with my rapidly escalating, Kelly Slater like skills.

The problem is that when I used to surf, I was 5 years old, and when I bought this surfboard, I was 44. When I was 5 years old, I lived in Barbados, and I used to surf on my Dad’s board, which I’m guessing was at least 8 feet long. A 3 foot high kid on an 8 foot board finds surfing in 2 foot whitewash a hell of a lot easier than does a 6 foot high (44 year old) kid on a 6 foot board in 4 foot breaking waves (minimum size required to drive this preposterous, high performance machine). In the 3 years I’ve owned this board, I’ve successfully stood up on it 3 times, and my longest ride was about 5 seconds. It was however, a pretty Kelly Slateresque, mind-blowing 5 seconds. Was it worth the 800 bucks that I paid for this board, and the board bag, and the leash, the grip, and the wetsuit? Yes, definitely. If you’ve never surfed, I’m telling you now that you’re missing out – it’s epic…dood.

But I digress. “Why do you keep going on about Kelly Slater?” I hear you ask. Because the most ridiculous thing about this board…specifically, my having this board, is that it’s pretty much exactly the same board ridden by then world champion Kelly Slater. Not only was he then world champion, but he had previously been world champion, like 10 times, pretty much all in a row. So it’s safe to say he’s a recognisable figure in the surfing community. My board is a little longer, and a little thicker, but it’s the same brand, bearing the same logo, same shape etc. My carrying around this board with my skill level at negative zero was (and remains) just absurd. To add to this fiasco, I look bazaarly similar to Kelly:

wpid-20150213_1122535.jpgAm I right? Or am I right? It’s like we’re twins! I’ve even got the same weird little partially open lips thing going on. Not convinced? Explain this then:

wpid-wp-1423828915782.jpegI know! That’s what I’m talkin’ about! I’m physically indistinguishable from 11 times world surfing champion Kelly Slater. If I ever went to Hawaii I’m sure I’d be mobbed.

The one way in which Kelly and I differ though, is that quite frankly, he’s a bit of a poser. It’s quite undignified. He’s always rushing into the water and showing off by riding some stupidly huge wave. He may as well be shouting: ‘Mom! Look at me! Look at me Mom!’ Sure he’s doing a handstand inside the barrel of a wave the size of a small block of flats… BIG deal! I find this blatant grandstanding to be quite low rent. I’m sure you’ll agree that I have a much more understated and mature presence in my photo:


It’s not like his moves are all that hard anyway:


Now here’s the good part; the part where I reveal what’s in it for you! This board, as ridden by a virtual genetic clone of 11 times world surfing champion Kelly Slater, is for sale. You deposit a large sum of cash directly into my bank account, and if by then I haven’t snapped the thing in half by surfing it on the couch, I’ll send it to you. I’ve sweetened the deal by signing it as Kelly – given that we’re virtually brothers I’m sure he won’t mind:


6 thoughts on “Surfboard for Sale – Once Ridden by a Man with 99.9% Kelly Slater DNA.

    1. I like the way you’re thinking. One day, millions of years in the future, when we’ve all been gone for…millions of years, aliens will come to our planet to explore, and pretty much the only trace of us they’ll find is all this plastic shit we’re using, broken up into tiny pieces and covering the entire planet. ‘What strange petroleum based lifeform was this, and what killed them?’ they’ll wonder. ‘They must have been very dimwitted and unevolved…’ At least they’ll be right about that. ‘But they sure were a colorful lot!’
      Thanks for the kind words re my post. I’m glad you liked it. Keep on writing!

      Liked by 2 people

  1. I find myself wanting to sell my house and everything in it, and buy an RV and hit the road. I think quite possibly I’m having a mid-life crisis. Loved this post as it makes me think about all the shit I’ve bought over the years and really didn’t need–like a mandolin I could never get tuned, let alone learn to play.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so glad you liked it. A mandolin!? What were you thinking? Get rid of that shit. If you do sell up and hit the road, keep me posted – that’s something I’d be proud to be partially responsible for.


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