February Something 2015

Hello Cherished Readers!

Yes, yes, I know this is supposed to be a weekly newsletter, and yes I know I’ve only released four in the last 20 weeks, but I’m not changing the name to the ‘Ransomology Quint-Weekly Newsletter’, so just forget it.

Your beloved protagonist has recently returned to Sydney after what some might call a significant amount of time living in a tropical paradise and not working. However, to this effrontery, I take umbrage. First of all I was working, as my rapidly expanding archive of blog posts will testify. Sure, I was rarely… ok, actually never working before 10am, and yes I was having thrice and sometimes 4rice weekly massages… for 2 hours at a time, but these seeming luxuries are necessary lubricants of the creative process. One must coax out the muse by whatever means she deems necessary. Secondly, 6 months, when compared with the length of time I’d have liked it to have been, i.e. forever (that’s 4Fä for the benefit of my rapidly expanding youth readership [note the short ‘a’ kids]), could hardly be considered significant.

Despite writing like a fiend, I am now, technically, what we in the business call ‘unemployed’… if you take the term ‘unemployed’ to mean that nothing I do results in me earning any money. This is a situation I will unfortunately have to rectify shortly. This monetary pestilence has the potential to adversely impact my creative output, so I’m considering a role in the service industry; vis. prostitution, based solely on its attractively low time to money ratio. Interested parties should send a full medical history and recent photographs to IhaveaneedforSteve@gmail.com Upon receipt, I will contact you to arrange an interview.

In other breaking news, and as anyone who has read my post Surf Board for Sale – Once Ridden by a Man with 99.9% Kelly Slater DNA will know – it turns out I am physically indistinguishable from 11 times world surfing champion Kelly Slater. For those doubters, here is indisputable photographic evidence of the fact:

For mysterious reasons this striking resemblance seems to have escaped the attention of the Australian surfing community; notably, the blazingly hot bikini clad component of the Australian surfing community. Thus I have been practicing emulating some of Kelly’s signature moves:

This one’s quite hard, but I think you’ll agree that I’ve nailed it:

I have identified the one flaw in my otherwise faultless Kelly Slater disguise – it’s the board… specifically, the fact that I can’t stand up on it unless it’s lying very still on the couch. Thus it is for sale. Please submit your offers to me at ransomology@gmail.com To sweeten the deal, given that I am a virtual genetic clone of 11 times world surfing champion Kelly Slater, I have signed it on his behalf: