Running. It’s torture yes. But the rewards! I don’t know what smack does for people: by all reports it’s pretty good. Running however is free! AND there’s no track marks, no risk of OD, and no need to go sell your ass on the street for 5 bucks a pop because your life has collapsed into a steaming pile of shit through insurmountable, humiliating and soul-destroying addiction.

I know it’s just endorphins, but it’s the best legal high imaginable…ok, actually sex is better…well, some sex is better, but still, it’s very kick ass. Now I’m going to give you the secret of how to achieve it:

1) Start running when you are 5 years old…. actually, this may not be entirely necessary, but that’s when I started….OK, forget that. Just get out there and run. It does help, I’m not gonna lie, if you are reasonably fit, or at least have run before so that you are trained up and can sustain the running. You can’t start, get tired and stop, then run a bit more, then stop; that shit is never gonna work. You have to SMASH the pain barrier. Smash it – ya know what I’m sain’? None of this jogging up to it and begging it to submit. I’m talking sustained pace. 4 or 5 km on the flat, followed by 1 km or so up a decent incline (at the top of which you’re spitting and cursing and gasping for breath) and then flat out on reasonably level ground for another 2 km or so. That’s it! That’s all you need. That last two Km you’ll feel like a Golden God. You’ll feel invincible. There’ll be no pain, no tiredness; you’ll be flying!

Plus, when you’re a runner, you can eat whatever the fuck you want! It doesn’t matter! The body’s so desperate for fuel that it just burns everything right off! You could eat pizzas for breakfast lunch and dinner and you wouldn’t gain a pound! It’s heaven on earth! The irony however, is that you won’t want to eat shit food anymore, because you won’t want to undo all the hard work you’ve put in, and because you’ll now view yourself as a healthy person. When you get to that point my friends, you’re a real runner.