Meanwhile, on Tinder…

Hi Sarah! Love your profile picture.
May I ask…is that your ex boyfriend?
Because I’m telling you straight up,
I can’t compete with him tongue wise…
That guy’s a freak! I’m pretty sure I’ve got
him beat on the conversation front though.

Hilarious. To be honest my ex had
many dog like qualities – loyalty
wasn’t one of them as it turns out.

And his tongue?

Very small.

No!

Tiny.

How unfortunate.

Like, you could barely tell when
it was in.

Are we still talking about his tongue?

Funny and quick – I’m liking you.

You are huh? Well don’t leave
your seat, because there’s more.

Here we go. Let me guess…

I’ve got a massive tongue…

I didn’t see that one coming
from a mile away.

…or so I’m told…

Did anyone happen to mention whether
or not you know how to use it?

Not in so many words…But!, with this
tongue, I can …like, lick my own nuts.

Can you now? How very interesting…

Actually, no, sorry to disappoint.
Probably just as well or I’d never
leave the house.

No self-discipline, that’s your problem.

I’d develop a permanent and
severe curvature of the spine…

Hello cliff like plunge in Tinder
match frequency.

Eventually I’d need to have one of those
giant funnels fixed around my neck to
stop me licking them right off.

An Elizabethan collar?

No no, a giant funnel. A giant funnel
with the spout cut off…. you just stick
your head right in there… That’s the way
they do it these days. Elizabethan collars
are sooo last century.

4 centuries ago, I think you’ll find.

I’d prefer a Ruff, obviously, but the
fashion these days is for cheap and
spoutless plastic funnels. What can you do?

A Ruff? You had to Google
‘Elizabethan Collar’ – didn’t you.

Moi!? Who doesn’t know that a 15^th
century collar is called a Ruff? Duuuh.

That would be 16^th century. Duuuh.

I think you’re a genius.
Will you marry me?

No way! You’re too dumb for me.

Yes, but did I mention my tongue?
…seriously, it’s huge.

With a brain like yours I can understand
why you keep bringing that up.

It’s like a young anaconda…

Jesus wept.

…that just ate.